TTC ~

I took this photo in Spain on holiday with my family. 

I remember so vividly being sat underneath the palm trees, ice tea in hand, my Mum laying next to me reading, Dad sat by the pool listening to an audio book and my husband snoring on the grass. It was scorching hot and we were staying in the most gorgeous villa that my parents had generously taken us to for a much needed break. 

I sat beneath that palm tree, buried my face in a book and put on my sunglasses to hide my tears, because all that consumed my heart and my head in that moment was how badly I wished we had children to enjoy this with.

There are so many people in this world who desperately want children and for one reason or another, struggle to conceive or aren't able to have children of their own at all. I wanted to share my story in the hope it will help even just one person. I read so many people's experiences and journeys when I was TTC and I found it comforting on those dark days to know I wasn't the only one. This is a hard one to write, but a happy ending, so here we go... 

I never wanted children, until I met my husband. He is the epitome of Dad material and honestly, as soon as I met him my whole opinion on having kids changed almost immediately. We made sure we had a home of our own and decent jobs before trying for a baby, and when that time came, I think we were both expecting it to be a few short months before we'd be seeing that little + on a pregnancy test, just like in the movies! 

Fast forward 2 years and still no baby. So, we made that dreaded Doctor's appointment to discuss the ins and outs of our sex life with a complete and utter stranger - great! She was in fact lovely and gave us a strict intercourse regimen to follow (who said romance is dead?). We dutifully did and wow, if there is any way to start slowly killing off your sex life, that will do it! It was a military operation, zero romance, zero passion, just get the job done. We stuck at it for a year and nothing. I have always had irregular periods, which made calculating ovulation basically impossible and we both felt like we had hit a brick wall. 

So, back to the Doctor we went and this time, it felt as though suddenly things became very clinical. My husband and I each had various tests, (blood, urine, semen, you name it) and I had various scans. We found that my husband's sperm had a low count and low motility, and that I had PCOS and a lot of Uterine Fibroids. 

It was at this point that we were told it would be very unlikely we would be able to conceive without medical intervention, and that if we did manage to conceive, the likelihood of me miscarrying or having complications would be high. We were told we wouldn't be eligible for IVF on the NHS, or even to start taking Clomid until I had lost a substantial amount of weight.  

That was the appointment when it felt like my life ground to a sharp, painful halt.

I remember walking out of that appointment and feeling like I couldn't breathe. 

I felt like 3 years of hard work had been completely wasted and that I wasn't worthy of my husband anymore. Like I was failing at being a woman.  

I felt like every single person I saw was pregnant or had a baby. 

I saw the sadness and guilt in my husband's eyes every time he noticed me changing the TV channel because an advert for formula or nappies was too much for me to sit through.

It was all consuming and overwhelming and there is absolutely nothing anybody can do or say to make you feel better.

Your feelings, whatever they are and whenever they come, are valid. 

A few days after that appointment, we found out my Brother and his girlfriend were having a baby. I couldn't even bring myself to be happy for them and I felt like the worst human being in the world for feeling that way. 

It was so difficult to manage so many feelings and I had countless days when I just couldn't do it. It was too much and I just didn't have it in me to put a smile on my face for a minute longer. I knew my husband felt the same, and I knew he would have done anything to make me feel better and that made it worse because I felt responsible for his pain too.

    

We bumbled our way through their pregnancy, dutifully putting on excited faces when we felt we could, tactfully declining invites and making quick exits when we felt we couldn't. We held each other up over those months and once our Nephew arrived, we loved him whole but heavy heartedly. 

We held him and told him how much we wanted one of him so desperately. I'd watch my husband pull faces at him across the table to make him laugh, then cry the entire journey home.

That day did come though, the day I finally got to tell my husband that he was going to be a Dad, but that story is for another time!

If you and your partner are on your journey of trying to conceive and you are reading this, please know that you are not alone. Feel what you need to feel. 

Those months of hope and then earth shattering disappointment. 

Those hundreds of desperate negative pregnancy tests. 

The days of googling 'early pregnancy symptoms' in the hope that twinge you just felt is something meaningful. 

The dread when you have to tell your partner again, 'sorry darling, not this month'.

The strain it has on your relationship. 

The strain it has on your mental well-being.

The pain when another well-meaning relative asks when you are going to have a baby.

Jealousy. Sadness. Loneliness. Anger. Hopelessness. Exhaustion. Self-pity. Self-doubt. Guilt.

It's all valid. It's all okay.    

  ✻